Just before lockdown began in March, I had just given birth to a baby. I was happy but I wasn’t feeling I could 100% be the best, I became so worried about being a good mum that I ended up making myself mentally ill.
I ended up hearing conversations that weren’t even happening, all I was hearing was how people were badmouthing me as a parent and how they wanted to take my baby. It made me feel like I couldn’t trust anyone around especially family and my partner. I felt like everyone was out to get me, I was lost and alone with no one to turn to. So many things running through my head on what I was supposed to do. I started questioning myself, are people out to get me? Or am I just hearing it and it’s all in my head? I felt I couldn’t even make that decision. I’ve always been an anxious person but after having the baby I really felt like I didn’t know anymore, I felt like I didn’t know if I was hearing all these horrible things or if people were actually saying these things behind my back.
I ended up sneakily recording people conversations and playing them back to myself to triple check I wasn’t just my head playing up, even when I played the recordings back I would still hear people talking about me and how they wanted to take my baby as they thought I wasn’t capable. I felt like I definitely couldn’t trust anyone. I felt like I wanted to be alone just me and my baby. I felt like I just wanted to be a little girl again playing with my barbies not having to deal with people against me.
When I asked people if they were talking about me or mentioned my name the answer was no. I felt like I couldn’t trust myself anymore. I felt like whatever I was hearing or thinking I was hearing was all my fault even if it wasn’t. I had to get out the house away from the people I didn’t trust, so I visited my auntie for a hour and instantly she realised I wasn’t very well. As I was explained how I felt and what was going on, she helped me realise that it was all in my mind, I wasn’t actually hearing anything. I felt so relieved that someone I trust really believed me on what I was saying. I felt finally I have someone who understands what’s going on. I felt great full for all of her help.
Still to this day I still have weird episodes of hearing voices in my head but I now feel like I can tell the difference between voices in my head or real voices. I feel it’s just something that’s not going to go away. I feel like it’s something I have learnt to deal with. I feel it’s apart of my life I just got to live and deal with it in my own way.
I feel like if someone is feeling like this at any given point in life they should talk to someone not necessarily a counsellor or doctor but a family member or a trusting friend. That feeling of being lost and alone unable to trust anyone is the worst feeling in the world and I personally wouldn’t want anyone to go through it.
A blog about a mum not knowing who to trust, who to rely on or even who to turn to.
Are the voices really happening or are they in her head?
The mum who lost her way.